Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
