I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my being single is dangerous.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
