if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
