Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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