Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
