Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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