Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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