She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
