I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
