so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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