I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
