I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Randomize
