One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
