where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I love you. Go after that dick
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
