I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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