my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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