Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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