Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
