you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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