her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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