I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
