I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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