I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
don't judge my taste in strippers
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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