It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Text me some of your sweat
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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