Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
