he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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