I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
