mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
