I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
