The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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