im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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