i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
