I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
