lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
