Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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