at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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