Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
