She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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