you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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