"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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