Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
