Someone shit on the floor
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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