Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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