I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
