just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Randomize
