today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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