So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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