Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
