if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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