so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
