I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
