Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
