I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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