I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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