Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
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test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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