Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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